When leaving a relationship with a personality disordered individual, it helps to look at the long term and decide where you want to be in 5 years from now.
Things are likely to get worse, not better, immediately after you play the divorce card. You may face all kinds of threats and accusations that you never imagined. Others of you will be hoovered and offered the world by your spouse or significant other if you will just stay and work things out.
You need to keep your eye on what is in the best interests of your children and yourself long-term.
There is a life after divorce. You will lose something, but at the end you can find yourself on the other side, Out of the FOG - free from the fear and the obligation and the guilt. Making your own decisions, no longer trying to push the rock up the hill. Separation may only be the lesser of two evils, but it is still better to choose the lesser.
Many of us have walked the path you are on, and stood at the crossroads where you are now standing. And we have survived, won our children, our security and our dignity. We salute those of you who are still on the road and wish you our best.