The 50% Rule

The 50% Rule reminds us: We are responsible for our half of what goes on in any relationship.

We are never responsible for anyone else's behavior, and we didn't cause the personality disorders in our loved ones. But we are fully responsible for how we react and respond to the other person’s behavior.

The 50% Rule empowers us. It asks us to consider our own choices instead of focusing only on the other person’s behavior. It encourages us to ask ourselves: Are we showing up for battles we know will hurt us? Are we trusting someone -- again -- when we feel like we know better? Are we engaging with people in ways hurtful to us when we have an option not to? Asking these questions can help restore our confidence and agency.

The 50% Rule does not apply to circumstances from which there is no escape, such as an abused young child who is not free to make decisions for themselves. The 50% Rule should never be used to blame or shame coerced victims who are unable to change their circumstances.