Understand My Stuff/Your Stuff

My Stuff/Your Stuff - My Stuff/Your Stuff is a thought technique of reminding yourself to separate what is really your responsibility, your concern and under your control and what is a personality-disordered individual's responsibility, concern and under their control.

When you become involved in a relationship with a person who suffers from a personality disorder, it's easy to become disorientated as you try to navigate through challenges such as mood swings, projection, mirroring, dependency, engulfment etc. It can feel a little bit like trying to find your way through a dark room with the furniture frequently being rearranged.

One of the things that tends to result is that the non-personality-disordered individual may subconsciously or unwittingly begin to take personal responsibility for problems and concerns over which they have little or no control or ability to influence. In doing so they may be denying the person who suffers from the personality disorder the opportunity to clean up their own messes, learn from their own mistakes and work towards a more healthy lifestyle, This is sometimes called enabling and can perpetuate a dysfunctional situation.

One of the things that can be a great exercise is to try to look at your life objectively - and ask yourself - what is my stuff and what is your stuff?

Think about all the good things in your life for a while - forget about anyone else for a minute. How much of it is really yours to control? How much of it depends on you to maintain, build and develop? What will happen if you neglect it?

Think about the things you are most proud of. What would have happened if you were not there?

Think about your body, your work, your talents, your dreams. What are they worth? The messes that you leave, the mistakes you make, your flaws and your concerns.

That's your stuff.

Now think about the things that matter the most to that other person in your life. Think about all the good things in their life for a while - forget about yourself for a minute. How much of it is really theirs to control? How much of it depends on them to maintain, build and develop? What will happen if they neglect it?

Think about the things that they are most proud of. What would have happened if they were not there?

Think about their body, their work, their talents, their dreams. What are they worth? The messes that they leave, the mistakes they make, their flaws and their concerns.

That's their stuff.