Grey Rock Safe Detachment

One of the most dangerous times in a relationship or marriage or close friendship with a PD person is when the Non-PD person decides to detach and end the relationship. Safe detachment is not about the PD person accepting a diagnosis or owning their wrongs. Grey Rock/ Gray Rock is about self-preservation solely and it's not easy to accomplish if you are angry and pre-occupied with the PD person understanding they are in the wrong. Gray Rock is also not about getting revenge by having a passionate affair or putting all your newfound happiness at losing the PD on display for the world to see. You may be inwardly rejoicing or terrified, or both, but basically, you want the PD to see neither the happiness nor fear at all.

Grey Rock is about flying under the radar when you still have to maintain contact with a PD person or persons. It is most easily accomplished if the Non can maintain physical distance and have limited contact with the PD person while detaching. This is not a good long term plan if you are living in the same house though it can work well if the ultimate goal is to separate physically. Grey Rock may be difficult if your job or life demands you to be in the public spotlight.

 If you are in immediate physical danger get help whether you have started Gray Rock or not. See Personal Safety topic.

The basic method of Grey Rock Safe Detachment involves becoming more and more outwardly boring, plain, and uninteresting. What attracts PD people to Nons is often outward beauty, common interests, sparkling wit, sexy demeanor, and position in whatever social circle you both were in.  Other attractors are financial success or overall stability, physical strength, kindness and compassion and vulnerability.

Safe detachment involves taking all these things down to a much more mundane level on the outside and in any and all conversations.

Gradually the Non becomes more and more boring and depressed seeming and the PD loses interest and moves on to the more interesting target. In some cases, this can be the beginning phase to implement No Contact. For others it will be a sort of semi-permanent state to keep the PD from thinking they want to re-enter into an intimate relationship with you.

Ways to implement Grey Rock Safe Detachment:

Let a few friends you trust in your inner circle know what is going on and get their support if possible. Let them know if the PD contacts them to let that person know you are feeling down and tired.

Gradually, emphasize to the PD person and any friends/family members that you need space and time and are just feeling tired, confused and numb.

Take full responsibility for your down mood and tell them “It’s not you, it’s me.” This is with the understanding that the PD person will not take responsibility but may try to hoover you with promises of change in their behaviors.

Make your social media much more boring to the PD person.
Some ways to do this:
-Change your profile settings so that the PD person does not see anything exciting.
-Put your account on private and block the PD person from viewing your stories or current life updates.
-Change profile pics to something that does not relate to your prior relationship with the PD person.
-Don’t let mutual friends tag you in fun and exciting posts.
-If you go out of town, throw a small party, have a major accomplishment etc don’t post all about the fun.

Decline social invitations where your PD may be going. In fact, it may be a good idea to stay at home for a while and just be with close friends to recover from the relationship.

When you have to see your PD adopt a very down demeanor. Tell them you are down and feeling depressed and just have no energy for a relationship at all.

Dress down and wear ill fitting clothes when you see them if you can but don’t completely adopt this if your PD person is at work or school with you over long term. At the least keep your clothes toned down and don’t dress in overly exciting outfits when you are around them.

If you must talk with them use Medium Chill techniques and basically give a “status report” when you do see them.

If the PD invites you out tell them you have a cold, or are nauseous and that you are sick.

If you have children together under age 6, Grey Rock is easier to “turn on” when you need to see their PD parent. With older children you need to continue Grey Rock to some extent in the home so they do not need to know if you are ecstatic over the raise or a new opportunity or new friend.

Do not start a new romantic relationship or exciting bestie friendship for months and give yourself time to heal. If you start dating again in time, take things very very slow and don’t post about it on social media.

Always stick to your original position that the relationship is over. Do not offer the suggestion that this is just a phase you are going through.

As time goes on and you start new relationships or friendships you should not offer updates or information to the PD person other than basic status updates.

Eventually, as you feel safer you can relax the grey rock method in other aspects of your life but it’s important to go slow and never expect the PD person to completely exit your life though you may hopefully be able to have much less or no contact with them.

These are just some ways a Non can accomplish Grey Rock Safe Detachment. Each situation and relationship is unique and your safety is the most important thing to protect while detaching.